Sunday, April 17, 2011

It was inevitable.

Once I stumbled across the hundreds of blogs posted by women (and men) in the babylost community, I just knew. Still very acutely feeling the searing pain of my loss, I could barely tear myself away from my computer as I scrolled through lists of blogs written by women who actually survived the pain of babyloss. I felt at times like I had been transported to another time, weeks, months, years ahead of myself. "Would that be me?" I thought each time I read another one. What I noticed was that while the grief was universal and had many common threads to it, the outcomes varied greatly. "Will I turn out just like the woman who wrote this blog, facing endless years of only pain and sadness?" "Will I end up divorcing my husband within a year of our loss, like so many do?" "Will I never find joy in my surviving children?" Or, conversely, "Will I turn out to be like this woman who seems to be dealing with her loss in a healthy way?" "Will I allow my loss to inspire me artistically somehow?" "Will I take this pain and use it to help others in a similar situation, as this woman does?" "Will I be like this woman, who starts out posting about her loss and eventually posts about finding joy in everyday mundane things like perfume shopping at the mall?" These questions remain unanswered for me.
This is my journey. This blog was inevitable. It has existed in my mind for some time now. I have so much anxiety over taking "the plunge". I feel so vulnerable, so exposed, and I don't know what, if anything, will come of this. But I think my anxiety over NOT writing about what I've been through is much greater.


  1. Just one foot in front of the other, every day (ok, most days).

  2. Your blog was one of the ones I clung to in my early days, Ya Chun, and I have to say I was so incredibly inspired by your commitment to not having Serenity's existence equal pain. You have helped me a great deal. I never commented, as in my early days I didn't even know how or have a blogger account, but I scrolled through your posts and found great comfort there. Thank you for that.

  3. I'm a little late, but welcome to the blogging community. I have found my blog to be my own personal therapy session at times. :) I hope that as you continue to write, you find great comfort in the support of others -- not to mention the sense of relief when getting those words out.

    I like what Ya Chun said...most definitely great advice!

    Hugs to you, Mama!