Sunday, April 17, 2011
It was inevitable.
Once I stumbled across the hundreds of blogs posted by women (and men) in the babylost community, I just knew. Still very acutely feeling the searing pain of my loss, I could barely tear myself away from my computer as I scrolled through lists of blogs written by women who actually survived the pain of babyloss. I felt at times like I had been transported to another time, weeks, months, years ahead of myself. "Would that be me?" I thought each time I read another one. What I noticed was that while the grief was universal and had many common threads to it, the outcomes varied greatly. "Will I turn out just like the woman who wrote this blog, facing endless years of only pain and sadness?" "Will I end up divorcing my husband within a year of our loss, like so many do?" "Will I never find joy in my surviving children?" Or, conversely, "Will I turn out to be like this woman who seems to be dealing with her loss in a healthy way?" "Will I allow my loss to inspire me artistically somehow?" "Will I take this pain and use it to help others in a similar situation, as this woman does?" "Will I be like this woman, who starts out posting about her loss and eventually posts about finding joy in everyday mundane things like perfume shopping at the mall?" These questions remain unanswered for me. This is my journey. This blog was inevitable. It has existed in my mind for some time now. I have so much anxiety over taking "the plunge". I feel so vulnerable, so exposed, and I don't know what, if anything, will come of this. But I think my anxiety over NOT writing about what I've been through is much greater.