Wednesday, December 28, 2011

A place of non-sharing, one year out.

I don’t know why but right now it’s just becoming more and more difficult to share anything here. I know that not many people “in real life” even know about my blog, but it IS public. I don’t want to go private at this point. But some days it just hits me that this is where I share some extremely personal thoughts, and I just don’t know if that’s okay or not. Grief is a private thing, right? So why did I even create this blog? I’m asking myself these questions and not coming up with answers.

I feel selfish in that I write more here about myself than I write here about my son. It makes me sad that I don’t know more about him. It leaves me feeling so heartbroken and empty that I don’t know what he would have been like or who he would have turned out to be. (And while I'm thinking of it, if you'll allow this tangent, let me just say this. I can’t stand it when people say, “Oh it must be SO difficult to look at your daughter and think about how your son would be doing the exact same thing had he lived.”…and yes, this is actually something I have heard literally and several variations of it…How freaking idiotic can people be? I don’t think there’s a set of twins out there who do the exact same thing 24/7; in fact, I’m pretty sure that would be impossible…And just because they were born on the same day doesn’t mean they would have hit the same milestones at the same time…They were over a pound apart weight-wise at birth, just as one example…OH and they were also different genders! And we can’t forget the tiny little fact that they were two completely separate individual human beings, different DNA and all that, can we? Apparently, some people DO forget. Two.separate.eggs.two.separate.sperm. I think I should start busting out diagrams for people when they piss me off.)

So back to my question, which is by writing here am I really honoring my son’s memory? It sure doesn’t feel like it. I don’t feel like I am ever doing right by him, just as I rarely ever feel I am doing right by my daughter. A friend and coworker the other day described me as living life with “an impossible situation”. It’s an understatement, sure, but Truth. Nothing I ever do feels right. Grieving while I have a beautiful daughter snoozing in her crib upstairs seems horrible. Enjoying life while I have a son who never got to breathe a breath seems horrible.

Maybe I should just try to be numb all the time and not feel anything so I can stop feeling so freaking guilty about whatever I’m feeling. But that would require drugs, and I’m not all about those.

So that’s it. I’m in a place of nonsharing, and it really sucks. I feel I am betraying Elias by not writing here enough. More guilt. *sigh* I'm also dealing with not knowing where I stand with almost everyone in my life. I see why the statistics are not in favor of couples staying married after a loss. I see why Those Who Have Lost Before speak of losing friends and family after a loss. Early out, I thought NO way, that won't happen to me. Well, a year out, it's happening, some of it at least. I just don't know who I can trust or lean on anymore. I feel VERY judged to still be so sad and be over a year out, like there's an expiration date on my grief, and we're past the point where it's acceptable. Like at some point you are seen as "the crazy lady with the dead baby" instead of a human being with a right to grieve, a person who has been thrust into an impossible situation every minute of every day for the rest of her life.


  1. I think, and it is just my opinion, so feel free to disregard, but I think by just writing about him and by sharing him, you are honouring his memory. And writing about how you feel and what you're experiencing is so helpful for others walking this same path... :)

    And yes, people are stupid. No ifs, ands, or buts.

  2. I feel like the crazy lady too... I just quit caring what others think bc they have no clue.

  3. I agree with LauraJane. There is no wrong way or right way as to how you honor you lost little guy. By sharing how YOU are doing here in no way changes how loved, missed, and honored Elias is.

    Speaking your mind publicly or privately can only help you on your journey through this grief. The more healthy you are mentally the better wife, mother, and friend you will be able to be. Just don't give up venting!

    And yes, you will loose loved ones who just never seem to understand the new you. You will ultimately be left with the people who are nothing but the best for you.

    lots of love for you today. I hope that some of my ramblings has helped!


  4. I also think you are honoring him by writing your thoughts and sharing his/your story. So many people have told me that my blog has changed them in some way. All I ever did was talk about Adam (and bitch a lot, haha). Adam did that; he changed people. So, yes, you are definitely honoring sweet Elias.

    I'm also seeing a lot of losing friends, the closest ones. And those that don't know this pain will certainly put a time limit on the grief. They just don't know. Like LJ said, people are stupid. Big giant hugs. Keep writing girl, I love reading.

  5. People have said that about looking at one and knowing the other? No one has said that to me, but I've thought it before. Not doing the exact thing, but that Chiron is a living, breathing model of exactly how old Aurelia would be at any moment.

    I hope you find yourself able to share exactly how much as you want to share...

    I've thought about this some and what I've come up with is "what you see, is what you get" is who I am, across the board. I might not choose to share as much sometimes, but if people want to seek out the information, I don't mind them knowing.

  6. It's so hard to try to make people get it when they just don't. We're also dealing with year anniversaries and people who think we must have moved on by clueless.

    Regarding bereaved parents splitting up...I know statistics don't mean alot to those of us who have been on the tiny tragic losing side, but somehow this article gave me some comfort:

  7. People will never understand the grief-- it's obvious by the ridiculous things they choose to let spew from their mouths to you!

    I also have this strange guilt about not memorializing our Andrew enough or feeling like those around me will see an impending "end date" to my grief... especially since we have another son on the way. That might even complicate matters further as they are the same gender-- but as you mentioned, no child is the same as another and there's no way to tell they'd be achieving milestones or even have one similar interest in common!

    You are doing the best you can and being honest with yourself about your son. I think that's commendable and surely we are all entitled to grieve as we please. If people don't like it, to hell with them! Just as Molly said, we just have to stop caring, otherwise all of our relationships will be a struggle.

    We're all with you in this stupid club. Writing allows you to memorialize your son and deal with your own grief.

  8. Thanks for all the support and reassurance, ladies.

    Liz - It's unavoidable when you lose one twin (as you know) to NOT think about how one is a living model for how old the other would be. But really, it ends there. And we would never forget how old they would be anyway. It might be easier to lose track here and there, but that part of it just doesn't bother me much at all. I would always know how old he'd be, even without a same-aged sibling surviving. I don't find myself often looking at her and thinking of him, which I am taking as a good thing and a healthy thing, that I am able to separate the two. I hope it's not just a defense mechanism. I always say if they were both here I'd treat them as individuals, so it should be no different with only one here.

    SG - Thank you for sharing that article. It really does give me hope. I wonder why the current thought is that so many get divorced - I have heard something like 90%! Good to know that it's just not true!

  9. Oh it's so tricky. I think that, personally, my line is similar to Elizabeth's 'what you see is what you get.' I've never gone out of my way to let people know about my blog, I'd rather that nobody IRL knew about it but, should they find it, it is a true record of how I felt and feel about many things. If anyone finds it, so be it. I'm happy to stand by what I've written.

    It does often feel like an impossible situation, how to grieve just the right amount, how to celebrate just the right amount. And that is just the internal dilemmas, what goes on in our own minds! Let alone the issues that start surfacing when you add other people and their opinions to the mix. I'm sorry that you feel judged, it isn't fair. It seems beyond ridiculous that you are the one who has lost a child and then somehow you should also be the one who feels that she has to apologise for feeling sad or for continuing to feel sad. Such a strange, strange world we live in.

    If it helps to share, I think you should. If you don't, or can't, it doesn't mean that you love Elias any less. Not at all. If you want to, or it helps to, try not to let the opinions of others stop you. What would they know?! All of us here know that Elias is loved and remembered. So many people know that.

    If it helps at all, I'm over three years out. I'm still here, still writing away when the mood takes me. I'm sure a few people I know do consider me the crazy lady with the dead baby and that is understandable. But, do you know what? I really, deeply don't care what they think.

    Much love to you xo

  10. "I feel selfish in that I write more here about myself than I write here about my son. It makes me sad that I don’t know more about him." This is me. I feel like I never got to know Charlotte and therefore have nothing more to say than I love you, I miss you, and I'm sorry I failed you.

    I know that I write to reach out to other BLMs. Currently that's what keeps me going. I want to help others who are fresh in their grief. Believe it or not I'm sure that you've come a far way in your grief. It will always be there, just in a different form. ((hugs))

  11. All of these changes that come with grieving a child is something nothing ever prepares you for. How much it can change relationships (making them stronger or making them fade away) is something I wasn't prepared for. And all of the ways that guilt can surround you--it does make you want to go numb for just a little bit, just to catch a breath. Thinking of you and hoping you know you can share with me anytime--no judgment! Sincerely, your fellow crazy lady with the dead baby