Sunday, September 2, 2012

Superficiality = Trigger!

Anyone else feel their grief, particularly the ANGER stage, triggered by the superficiality of others?  This continues to be a problem for me.  Bit by bit I am trying to cut people out of my life who say stupid sh*t, but it's just everywhere, is it not?

Over the past year, I've heard several women complain (or post on their FB) about the most superficial aspects of their deliveries of LIVE BABIES.  I just want to scream, "You have NO F*CKING IDEA!  Try having your baby DIE!  THEN you won't give a sh*t that your makeup didn't look good during your delivery photos!"

I mean seriously.  These are people who know me, know my son died, and haven't ignored that fact.  And yet this simple realization is lost on them: That all that really matters is that your baby is alive and healthy.

Today, another such trigger.  A woman pinning newborn photography and commenting about how this time, all that she hopes for is a "normal hour" birth for her next baby, as her last baby was born in the wee hours of the morning.

Because she wants the pictures to come out with everyone looking bright eyed and bushy tailed, apparently.

Try having pictures of your baby dead, I want to say.  I'd give anything for one picture of my son alive, regardless of what time it was or what I looked like at the time, I want to say. 

But I don't.  Because then I'll just be "that crazy lady who can't deal".  And this is someone who really should know better.  She really should.  So saying something won't make any difference.  She obviously feels she is too good to have tragedy strike.  She is way too above simply hoping her baby is born healthy and alive.  She takes those things for granted, and simply ALL she hopes for is a good birth hour so the pictures turn out well.

It makes me want to scream and tear my hair out.

And this really isn't about her, or about anyone else in particular.  Because she, and the aforementioned woman, they simply represent the vast majority of society.  A society of seemingly blissfully naiive pregnant women who post photographs of jars of Prego spaghetti sauce to announce their pregnancies as soon as they pee on a stick.  A society that obsesses over nursery themes and picking the perfect shade of paint, a society that pays name consultants to select the perfect name for the baby, a society that spends countless hours researching and registering for products (most which are completely unnecessary) and throwing lavish parties weeks, even months, before the baby even arrives, not knowing what that outcome will be.

So why wouldn't they say superficial things?  They're a product of their society, right?  And society largely ignores the very real fact that babies die - that miscarriages AND stillbirths are more common than most people realize.  That all of this hoopla is simply setting women up to feel like freaks of nature and failures if the worst case scenario happens to them. 

I guess it's silly for me to think that maybe what happened to my son was something memorable to them, something unforgettable, something that would shake them to their very core and make them treat their own pregnancies with more caution and humility.

Maybe I am just in a place where I need to stay away from Facebook and Pinterest altogether.


  1. Dude- I so hear you. I feel like this a lot... For me it's still the "you think this nightmare could never happen to you"... That's the part that really rubs me the wrong way. I had a friend have a home birth when she was 41.5 weeks pregnant and never gave any thought to how scary that was... Okay, fine, it's your birth... But then in her facebook announcement she states the baby had it's cord wrapped around it's neck and "glory to God" the baby and mama were fine... That shouldn't enrage me, and yet it did... Because the way I read it, God saved your baby and not mind.

    I'm f'd... lol.

  2. ugh - I can't stand when people bitch about ANYTHING delivery related when it involves a living baby in the end! So yes, definitely a trigger for me too. An anger and bitter one at that :(

  3. I understand. I'm biting my tongue with a post in my feed right now. "This time three years ago, I was about to be induced" which was followed up with a "sad face". Because you know, being induced is about the worst thing that can happen to a pregnant woman! Her induction lead to a perfectly healthy baby girl.


  4. Count me in as thinking like you do! I can't stand reading or hearing such minor complaints or just the general taking pregnancy for granted that most women do. I too have wanted to make comments back to these people but I know it's pointless because those are the people who will continue to leave their heads in the sand unless it happened to them. It hurts that people don't seem to remember our babies & what we went through, especially those that SHOULD know better.

  5. I too spend a lot of time trying to not punch people in the throat for the exact same thing. Can I make a brief confession here? ... I hear of people in the BLM community complain of how their LIVE delivery went. Those ladies are at the top of my *shut the hell up* list.

    Lots of love to you xoxox

  6. Even though our girl died at 10 months old it has still shaken me to the core regarding anything. I no longer 'expect' anything. I just hope. And the term 'expecting' a baby is bs. I hope for a baby.

    Love to you mama.

  7. More caution and humility, PLEASE. I agree.

    It's really the fault of our society that we're treated like freaks and that it can't happen to others. It's crap. I hate it.

    Just tonight I made a brie puffed pastry and had friends over to hang. The 38 week pregnant chick was there and I said that it was pasteurized just to make sure she knew it was safe to eat in case that was a concern of hers. She replied back, "Oh, I'm not worried. She needs to come out anyway." Like the brie being BAD or taboo for pregnant women or something would help get her baby out alive or cause her to go into labor. She clearly didn't understand why soft cheeses aren't recommended and she didn't really care about taking precautions. Not that she should care much about a small piece of brie-- but I mean. My son died IN MY 38th WEEK. She's making nonchalant comments about hoping the brie will be that eviction notice she's looking for and how careless she is being with the notion that she is INVINCIBLE and since she's term, nothing will cause harm to this child.

    Oh really? Hmm. My 38w5d, 7lb6oz son DIED. Past full term and perfectly healthy, according to his autopsy. Let me say that again. Autopsy. Because my DEAD son had an AUTOPSY. How does that feel? Like daggers to the heart. Daily.

    But go on ahead and eat that brie. You're perfect and that baby will be born in no time with no problems. Lucky freaking you.

  8. not being in your situation, those women bother me as well. Maybe it is just my mind set but some people can be so selfish and un appreciative and un frustrates me!

  9. It really winds me up too. It's the implication of it - they are so special that their babies could never die - oh no! Or perhaps they think that I must have done something wrong? Or that my beloved boy was somehow 'not meant to be'... But of course that would NEVER happen to them...

    In addition to the superficiality, and sense-of-specialness, I get irritated by people who moan about their healthy, living children to me... (Know your audience people!)

    For instance, I have recently had one of my (ex) best friends, not only whinging about how difficult her healthy little boy is, but also make statements of her unborn child as follows - "It had better not be another boy - I couldn't cope with another one like him..."

    Or my other (ex) best friend, who actually phoned to tell me that her toddler was being so annoying, she just felt like flinging her out of the window. Nice.

    Sometimes I have to bite my tongue so hard, I might end up making it bleed.