We were talking about trying for a baby during the summer / fall of 2012, so that we could hope for a rainbow baby in spring or summer 2013, if (fingers crossed) things went smoothly.
Fate, chance, luck, God, whatever you want to call it...had other ideas.
Our rainbow baby was a total surprise and was conceived Mother's Day weekend, most likely on Mother's Day if you want specifics. I was tracking my basal body temperature (in order to observe my patterns so we could TTC that summer) and thought I had already ovulated, but apparently not. In reviewing my chart after the fact and showing it to my OBGYN, we figured it was most likely on Mother's Day. Which, I don't even know what to say about that. It sounds really corny, but once I realized that, I had a feeling that Elias had sent me this rainbow baby as a Mother's Day gift.
My other pregnancies we had to TRY for. Not as much as others have to try - I've never had to endure fertility treatments, and our first pregnancy (which miscarried) took three months while the second pregnancy took six months. Not long in the big scheme of things, and I realize many women have to wait much longer than we had to, but when you are ready for a baby...Well, every cycle that you aren't pregnant can feel like a lifetime has passed.
So it was a really big shock to us that on a cycle we weren't trying we got "lucky". It kind of feels like more than chance, but of course I will never know. It having happened on or around Mother's Day feels so magical to me and warms my heart. People talk about signs and "winks" from their babies they lost - a star in the sky that shines extra bright, a ladybug that lands on their hand, a rainbow that appears in the sky. Well, finding out we were expecting this baby and the timing of it all felt like the biggest wink from my first born son.
The unlucky people got lucky.
My husband was thrilled.
Before my excitement, there were other reactions that came first, I must admit. I was shocked, then terrified, and then I just started sobbing.
What was I going to do? Was I ready for another baby? What if I had another miscarriage? What if I had another one in five thousand complication that stole my baby just days from delivery? Would I survive another loss? What if it was a girl, and I'd never have a living son? Would I forever be sentenced to stabs of grief every time I saw a baby boy / passed through the boy clothes in a department store? What if it was a boy, and people thought we were trying to "replace" our first born son? What if he looked like Elias? What if it was all too much to handle?
Countless questions flooded my mind.
And then there was calm. There was hope. My mind took me by the shoulders, shook me, and said, "You can't control any of this. You should know that by now. Just let it go."
And that's when I allowed the joy to take over.
And that's when I fell in love with this new little life growing inside of me, without worry or fear, miraculously.
I counted on my fingers and figured the baby would be due in late January, right around my birthday, and again the tears fell as I recognized this amazing "wink" from my first born son.
I had been given the best Mother's Day present I would ever receive, and I also had the best birthday present to look forward to.