Thursday, April 25, 2013

A Door Closed

I don't like to write about work here.  It just doesn't seem like the place.  But I have to say that I just fought like hell to get a different position that I've wanted for the past decade.  I apparently wowed everyone with my interview, and yet somehow, I still didn't get the position. 
This feels like such a grief trigger right now.
2013 has been a great year so far of redefining myself, settling in with our new family, focusing on what really matters.  I was so looking forward to this new chapter career-wise, and now it just feels like the book has been slammed shut right in my face.
It feels like a betrayal.  An unfairness that cuts deep to the core.
Why after all I've been through did I expect the world to be just?  Of course it isn't.  I'm deserving of this position, and I would have done a phenomenal job at it, but now it's out of reach.  And it isn't because I did anything wrong.  The world doesn't work that way.
I don't know where to go from here.  It's not the kind of position that's easy to find. 
I'm so sick of feeling like I do everything right just to get screwed over.  Staying away from the pity party is going to be a challenge for me after this major setback.  The past few weeks, thinking about my chances for this position excited and energized me at work.  Now, knowing I lost my chance, I just want to stay in bed under the covers and cry. 
Clearly not an option.
I'm just so sad that this didn't happen for me.  I feel like I'm crashing from all the anticipation of thinking I might get to have a fresh new start.  It amazes me that I actually got my hopes up that things would go in my favor.  I know I have a lot to be grateful for, but I'm just really angry, and feeling like I'll never be okay with this or how it all went down.  Feeling like I'll never be excited or energized about work again.  Feeling burnt out on what I currently do.  Wishing I had another calling to fall back on.  Jealous of people who work their dream jobs every day.  Jealous of people who still think that things work out for the best in the end.


  1. It's on a completely different topic, but I totally relate to what you're saying. Those disappointments hit so much harder, because you start to wonder whether there will ever be any fairness in life. And how do you deal with answering that question as "no"? So sorry about the job.

  2. I'm so sorry. Sometimes it feels like we deserve a break in everything, and the hits just keep on coming.

    I will say that I've been in a similar position. I interviewed for a job that I knew would be perfect for me. The interview went all, everyone liked me. And I still didn't get the job. I felt so discouraged and depressed. And time passed, and I interviewed for more jobs (ones that I was not as excited about), didn't get those either. More time passed. And the job opened up again - the person they hired instead of me was a disaster. And they hired me. It took a while, and I've only been there a month, but it's interesting how things can come full circle like that.

    I agree that I'll never be the type of person who thinks that things will work out. But professionally I do believe that sometimes it just takes time (personally I no longer believe that though). Not to make light of your situation - I hope it doesn't sound that way.

    A poem I've been quoting a lot as I deal with my grief: "There's a light somewhere. It may not be much light, but it beats the darkness."