I don't like to write about work here. It just doesn't seem like the place. But I have to say that I just fought like hell to get a different position that I've wanted for the past decade. I apparently wowed everyone with my interview, and yet somehow, I still didn't get the position.
This feels like such a grief trigger right now.
2013 has been a great year so far of redefining myself, settling in with our new family, focusing on what really matters. I was so looking forward to this new chapter career-wise, and now it just feels like the book has been slammed shut right in my face.
It feels like a betrayal. An unfairness that cuts deep to the core.
Why after all I've been through did I expect the world to be just? Of course it isn't. I'm deserving of this position, and I would have done a phenomenal job at it, but now it's out of reach. And it isn't because I did anything wrong. The world doesn't work that way.
I don't know where to go from here. It's not the kind of position that's easy to find.
I'm so sick of feeling like I do everything right just to get screwed over. Staying away from the pity party is going to be a challenge for me after this major setback. The past few weeks, thinking about my chances for this position excited and energized me at work. Now, knowing I lost my chance, I just want to stay in bed under the covers and cry.
Clearly not an option.
I'm just so sad that this didn't happen for me. I feel like I'm crashing from all the anticipation of thinking I might get to have a fresh new start. It amazes me that I actually got my hopes up that things would go in my favor. I know I have a lot to be grateful for, but I'm just really angry, and feeling like I'll never be okay with this or how it all went down. Feeling like I'll never be excited or energized about work again. Feeling burnt out on what I currently do. Wishing I had another calling to fall back on. Jealous of people who work their dream jobs every day. Jealous of people who still think that things work out for the best in the end.