Day 29: Healing

I've been at this grief thing for nearly three years, and it's a journey that I don't think ever completely goes away. However, that doesn't mean that healing doesn't exist. I am still discovering what is most healing for me along this path. My incredible children have been so healing for me in many ways. My family, my friends, my career, they've all been healing in different ways. Photography has been healing. Writing has been healing. Reading others' stories, one by one, has been healing. I can't possibly capture all of these things with a photograph, so I'm sharing a collection of cards, jewelry, ornaments, and statues I've received from women in this community (mostly through the mail but some given in person). Not everything I've been given by others in the community fits on this shelf (so if you've sent me a gift you don't see here, please don't be offended!), but these tokens of friendship and support remind me of what has been most healing for me.

Day 28: Special Place

This is a shelf dedicated to Elias and some of the gifts we've received in his memory. He has his place in our home just as any other family member does. I consider it a sacred space and often feel called to pray or meditate near it.

Day 27: Signs

Most of you know that Elias's name and a butterfly are engraved in stone in his memory at the Children's Memorial Butterfly Garden. The balloon release there this June 2013 was the first formal remembrance event we attended for Elias after William's birth. I was so grateful to have Evelyn and William with us, to have them both healthy and safe, and yet I missed Elias so much and hoped he knew that William was NOT his replacement, that no child could ever replace another. It was a day of such conflicting emotions that I wasn't sure how to feel, and yet it was a very special day in that I could "parent" all of my children.
I said a little prayer to Elias and hoped it would reach him, hoped he knew how much we love him, hoped he was happy that William was there with us. It felt like a million little prayers, some thought, some felt, some spoken, being lifted up to him. As we released balloons, looking up we noticed something truly spectacular - a twenty-two degree halo rainbow ring around the sun. I had never seen anything like it before.
They say your child will "wink" at you from beyond, and I have had many little moments like that, but this one was absolutely incredible. What more perfect sign than a rainbow to represent Elias's love and acceptance for his little brother, our "rainbow baby" (a baby after a loss) William? To have that rainbow in an unbroken circle, a perfect ring to represent eternity? It was a very moving experience and was the catalyst for change in my heart: I would no longer wonder how Elias felt about his baby brother, because I knew to my very core that there was just pure love.

 

Day 26: Community

No words can adequately express what the babylost community means to me. I have befriended women and men from many corners of the world through my grief. I have never before felt so much a part of a global community of people as I do now, and although it is full of heartbreak, it is just as full of love.
They have comforted and inspired me.
They have opened my eyes, my mind, my heart.
Some of them only briefly touched base, shared stories and parted ways, while others struck a chord that ran deeper. Over the course of time, friendships forged from pain evolved into something even more meaningful, fulfilling, and beautiful.

Attached is a meditation painting I received in the mail from another babylostmama. Every time I see it on the shelf I am reminded of this awe-inspiring community.

#captureyourgrief

 

Day 25: SayItOutLoud

Day 24: Artwork

Here are just a few of the many paintings, drawings, and ornaments that other people have made in honor of our son. I will forever be grateful to have these in remembrance of him.

 

Days 21: Honor & 22: Words (catching up)

#captureyourgrief