Soon

Soon I will update you on what ONE YEAR post-loss feels like. That was yesterday for us. Today we are preparing for our daughter's birthday bash for tomorrow. I will say this - I'm feeling pulled apart by the seams - grieving my son who I wish had turned one year old yesterday while celebrating my daughter who DID turn a year old. I put together a Facebook event and was overwhelmed by the support of both people in AND out of the loss community. It helps, in my opinion, to allow them to have their own separate days (as much as possible). Grieving and partying at the same time don't really jive, do they? *sigh* I will write a "one year" post soon.

Introducing: My daughter Evelyn.

The title of my blog is JOY and sorrow, and yet I rarely come here to share my joy. I am sorry for that. I think I was worried that sharing my living daughter here would upset other women who lost their daughters around the time Evelyn was born. And, well, it might, and if so - I genuinely apologize for any triggers my sharing her may cause for you. Yet I feel that if I only talk about my loss here, then this blog doesn't even come close to representing my complicated life which is full of horrible pain but also overwhelming happiness at times. Another blogger pointed out that my loss is not too terribly different from the loss of any baby while having to parent another living child, and that mamas who lost their first born singleton baby would eventually be in my shoes when they have their next baby...Grieving a child while raising another. Her comments made me feel much less alone in this community. The twin aspect is secondary, but I do think it makes everything seem heightened because the loss and the gain are simultaneous, the major life changes are all corresponding and make the waters of each other murky. At any rate, I can't deny that I am a mother to a living child, a girl who came into this world the same day we said goodbye to her brother. This blog may be focused on my loss, but from time to time, Evy deserves to be shared as well. I know my life and my grief would be very different if she wasn't here with me. And maybe, just maybe, seeing her smiling face will help to make somebody's day just a little brighter.

So here she is! My baby girl, Evy. (Rhymes with Chevy).

She was tiny when we brought her home, and we were afraid we'd break her. Now she's this little person, and I find myself saying, "Where's my baby?!" because she's growing so fast she makes my head freaking spin. 8 months old, she's now sportin' two emerging teeth and loves to crawl, pull herself up to standing and then freak out because she doesn't know what to do next, make farting noises with her mouth, and other such awesome.