Saturday, May 21, 2011
So that sucked. I just went to a neighborhood party, and as I walked in the house was really packed...and I couldn't go in. I just froze. I don't know if this is related to my loss at all or what, as I have struggled with anxiety for the past 13 years of my life, but I haven't had a panic attack in YEARS. And I felt myself start to panic as I approached the house with my daughter in her carrier. I felt so claustrophobic. I don't know if it was just the thought of so many people all "Aww look at the baby" followed by 1,000,001 questions about her or if it was not knowing who at the party would know about Elias or if it was just the simple fact that my grieving means I have a hard time remembering simple things like who that lady with the dark hair is and what house she lives in. I really don't know. I just couldn't deal. Some days I feel like I can handle anything - hell, haven't I handled the worst thing imaginable? Not sure how WELL I'm handling it, but I'm handling it, nonetheless. However, some days I can't handle very simple things - like mindless chatter. It is just simply exhausting. I sat on the porch, and my husband was a little frustrated, maybe even embarrassed, as he said "Okay, go IN!" but OH WELL. I don't know if I will ever feel "normal" again, but I'm certainly not there at this point. (I know, I know, what IS normal?) And this party was maybe just too much normal at once for me to handle, who knows. What I do know is that part of what I hope to accomplish with this blog is to document situations like these so that moms with new losses know what it may be like for them when they hit the five or six month mark. I remember in my early days reading blogs from women who were "ahead" of me in their grief and finding it very helpful while obviously keeping in mind that everybody truly does grieve differently. But I have found in my grief journey that so much resonates from one babylostmama to another that it's truly remarkable. I have to say five months out from my grief...I still have to be very picky about which social engagements I am willing to commit to. And sitting on the porch alone while half the neighborhood socializes and mingles with one another inside as they say goodbye to a couple moving to Chicago in a couple of months? I honestly could care less if half the neighborhood thinks I'm being rude. I'm not about to deal with any more discomfort in my life than I have to. The universe has not been kind to me, so the least I can do is flip the universe the finger and be kind to myself.