Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Why couldn't I bring home my twins? Am I not worthy of them? Am I a horrible person? Did I do something terrible in a prior life? Am I being punished? Is this a sign that my husband and I are wrong for one another? Am I not a good enough mother to have two babies at once? Do we not make enough money? Is our house not big enough? Is our neighborhood not nice enough? Are my parents not deserving of twin grand babies? Was I too fearful and insecure about my abilities at parenthood? Did God think I took my babies for granted even though I prayed every single night, sometimes two or three times a night, for my babies to be born safely? Did this happen because I was depressed during my pregnancy? Did this happen because I had a miscarriage beforehand? Was I lulled into a false sense of security after hearing countless times, “Your babies are going to be fine! Stop worrying!”? Did I not eat enough of the right foods? Did I not gain enough weight? Did I puke so much that it hurt my baby? Did I not drink enough water? Did I not read some ingredient on a label of a food or drink I was consuming that was dangerous? Did I use a face lotion or shower gel or makeup that absorbed into my skin and killed my son? Was my shower water too hot? Did I inhale some fumes unknowingly that weakened his placenta somehow? Did I bump my tummy on a wall or counter and kill my son without realizing it? Did I drink a couple of beers before realizing I was pregnant and cause this to happen? Did I sleep funny and cause something horrible to happen? If I had taken prescription prenatal vitamins instead of over-the-counter, could I have saved him? If I saw a nutritionist and a high risk doctor to begin with, would my son be here? Did my premature labor at 30 weeks cause my loss 7 weeks later? Did my bedrest kill my son? If I had ignored all the doctor’s instructions like some women so blatantly do, would he be here? If I had taken up residence in a hospital and had 24/7 monitoring, would my son be here? Should I have insisted on an emergency c-section at 36 weeks, even though I didn’t realize my son would be in danger? Would they have taken my babies then without having a medical reason to do so? When would they have scheduled the csection if I insisted on an earlier one, and would it have been before or after the bleed? Would it have made a difference? Would he have been born alive? Would he even have any quality of life after having suffered a massive bleed? Why didn’t I know that my son would need saving?!?! Why didn’t the doctors know?!?! Why didn’t fourteen ultrasounds detect or predict a problem?!?! Did I need to be “knocked down a peg” as being pregnant with twins made me feel special, and clearly I am not? Did I not look forward to having my children with excitement and eager anticipation? Did I not tell God countless times that this was my ultimate dream come true, to parent boy girl twins? Did I not love both of my babies with every fiber of my being and do every possible thing I could to keep them safe?!?!?! How will I ever have faith in anything ever again? How will I ever make sense of this world again? How will I survive this feeling of ultimate failure? How will I survive this guilt? How will I survive this shame? How will I survive this heartache? How will I survive this self-loathing? How will I survive? Will I survive? Will I?