Thursday, June 2, 2011
Just an FYI.
I've hit a low point. The bottom of a pit. I can't see my way out. There's barely even a glimmer of light at the top when I look up. I see darkness, darkness, and more darkness. I need help. I'm falling apart at the seams. I am barely even functioning anymore. Everything that happens has some connection to my loss, even when others have no idea that I'm making that connection. My entire life just feels like one massive mistake, like I should have never been born in the first place. I'm just cursed to do all wrong and no right. Why else would I have a traumatic miscarriage in public? Why else would my son die six days before his induction date? Why else would I feel like obviously somewhere I made a horrible turn for the worse and my entire life just fell apart? I am ruined. I am gone. I am nobody. I am nothing but pain and empty and broken. All I have brought into this world is death, pain, and destruction. I may have a daughter, but she doesn't have a mother, and how will she ever be happy knowing her twin died?
This is what nearing 6 months out looks like. If this gets any worse, I don't think I will survive this.
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Oh Lindsay, that darkness can be soo soo suffocating. I very much can relate to feeling completely empty and broken. I am sending you all the love I have and extending a hand so maybe we can find our way back to the light together. I have to have faith and trust in the universe that there is light at the end of this tunnel, it is just a very long, sad, scary road to journey down until we find it.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if this helps to hear or not, but I also had some really dark days at this time. Really dark. It seemed like I was going to feel the way I was feeling forever. So, does it help to hear that what you are feeling is normal? I love how Shaina put it--we are extending our hand to you in the darkness so that we can find our way in the darkness together. Sending you love and hear if you need someone to listen. xo
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are having to experience such horrible pain. I'm pretty sure that I've briefly shared with you before my story (but maybe not, just know that I've walked in your shoes) and I can tell you that the hole that you are in will gradually get shallower and shallower. You will see the light one day. Probably not anytime soon but one day. I promise.
ReplyDeleteLots of Love and many many prayers,
Hillary from Our Hopeful Life
(http://themuellerfamilyhope.blogspot.com)
My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteMy entire life just feels like one massive mistake
I have thought this, and felt this, so many times over the past nearly three years. And I spent a long time going back over my past and trying to pinpoint where I took that turn for the worse.
Oh it's such a horrible, horrible place to be and I am so sorry you find yourself there. As Shania and Angie have already said, here is another hand reaching out to you in the dark. I'm afraid that I don't quite know the way out of here myself but you aren't on your own.
I found your blog through Laura's. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter, Ellie in October at nine months old. She had a twin who we lost at 9wks. in utero. Life is so unfair sometimes. The words in your post are so familiar to me. I don't know you, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking about you and praying that you will find some peace. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteLindsay, just found you via Glow - I'm so sorry both for your loss of your son and the traumatic miscarriage. As Angie says, not sure if this helps, but I hit a real ditch around 6 months out too. This is so bloody hard.
ReplyDeleteBut you are not cursed (though I thought that too for a while) and this is not your fault. I can't promise that the pain goes away, but it changes, and you'll gradually be able to elbow it over to make some room for you again. Sending love xxxh
Life can be so mercilessly cruel, but you must hold onto the fragile belief that you'll get through these agonisingly dark days, because you will, eventually. And as you rage against the machine I'm sending you enormous strength to, 'fight your demons with a thing called love' and a huge hug. X
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are experiencing so much grief. But you're not a failure, you are still a mother to a beautiful little girl who needs and deserves you. Focus on that and on her. She will lead you out of the darkness.
ReplyDeleteI'm at 6 months and also hit an all-time low. Today was okay but the last few days have been downright unbearable.
ReplyDeleteSomething about this milestone that really ruins us. Thinking of you right now. I know this is hard. I know.
Hi Lindsay, I know that I'm back reading your blog, but I just had to write to say that I have felt this way so many times since losing my boy. What mistake did I make, where was the fatal wrong turn in the road... Because unless I can pinpoint it, what's to stop me continuing down this path of death and pain?
ReplyDelete