Thursday, June 2, 2011
Just an FYI.
I've hit a low point. The bottom of a pit. I can't see my way out. There's barely even a glimmer of light at the top when I look up. I see darkness, darkness, and more darkness. I need help. I'm falling apart at the seams. I am barely even functioning anymore. Everything that happens has some connection to my loss, even when others have no idea that I'm making that connection. My entire life just feels like one massive mistake, like I should have never been born in the first place. I'm just cursed to do all wrong and no right. Why else would I have a traumatic miscarriage in public? Why else would my son die six days before his induction date? Why else would I feel like obviously somewhere I made a horrible turn for the worse and my entire life just fell apart? I am ruined. I am gone. I am nobody. I am nothing but pain and empty and broken. All I have brought into this world is death, pain, and destruction. I may have a daughter, but she doesn't have a mother, and how will she ever be happy knowing her twin died? This is what nearing 6 months out looks like. If this gets any worse, I don't think I will survive this.