Sunday, August 7, 2011

The empty spot on the couch next to her.

When people see my daughter, they often immediately oooh and ahhhh over how blue her eyes are. Lately, instead of just being happy at this compliment, I find myself angry that I don't know what color Elias's eyes were. I find myself angry that Elias isn't here, because HE should be oooh'ed and ahhh'ed over. I see photos of my daughter with her two girl cousins, and I just think, there should be a baby boy in this photo. My baby boy. I look at the spot next to my girl and see where he should be sitting, and I wonder why the hell he couldn't stay with us. And I wonder if my daughter will always feel like somebody's missing. For a while I was doing pretty good with keeping everything separate / compartmentalized, but lately everything just runs together. I'm having a lot of trouble finding any joy in compliments or nice photos, because I am so fixated on how things should be instead of enjoying what is. I guess this is just a low point, but right now it feels like this is my life, like the rest of my life is just going to feel like torture. It is agonizing to have to go on without someone you love so f*cking much. My heart is just so heavy. I still find myself taking in a deep breath and thinking, oh my God, I can't believe this happened to us. It's been 8 months, and I still just can't freaking believe it. I spent my entire pregnancy taking it easy, drinking gallons of water, eating the best I could, following doctors' orders, getting extra ultrasounds, taking prenatals religiously, resting up, and trying to stay positive during a time that for me was pretty terrifying. I literally put everything on hold and focused on being a twin mama. (I can't stand women who say pregnancy for them is so easy they forget they're pregnant - there's NO forgetting when you are pregnant after a loss, and with twins no less!). How the hell does this happen? I still don't understand how I could have so much monitoring and take so many precautions only to lose my son. It's like the cruelest joke in the world was played on me. Does anyone else feel that way? I also feel like I ruined my marriage (we are very distant) and my parents' happiness with my simple desire for children. I broke everybody's hearts. How can I ever forgive myself for bringing so much pain to everybody I love? I feel like my life is just ruined and this world would be better if I'd never been born. The day my son died, he took my heart with him, and there's just this gaping void left. It hurts so bad it has this vacuum effect that makes it hard to breathe.


  1. I agree, cruelest joke ever.

    I know you think you broke all these hearts, but it wasn't you who did that. Your desire to have children is what brought Elias to you, if only for a short while.

    But yes, someone is always missing, in all the photos. It's cruel.

  2. I hate that you have go to through this. I don't know what it's like to lose a twin, but after our 3 losses and now our rainbow, I have very similar struggles -- both with the grief and family. I pray that the week ahead is a good one for you -- one that brings much joy and happiness. :)

  3. I do still have those moments where I think "how did this happen?" - it's as if I still can't believe it all. Or at least still don't want to. It's been 13 months now for me. And that's hard - I felt like after a year I would (or should) somehow just be all better. But grief just doesn't work like that. And while it is easier, I do still just get baffled by it all - that it all happened in the first place. So you are definitely not alone in those sentiments.

  4. I understand, I really do. Have said many of the same things and had many of the same feelings. All I can do is send you love.