Saturday, August 13, 2011

Introducing: My daughter Evelyn.

The title of my blog is JOY and sorrow, and yet I rarely come here to share my joy. I am sorry for that. I think I was worried that sharing my living daughter here would upset other women who lost their daughters around the time Evelyn was born. And, well, it might, and if so - I genuinely apologize for any triggers my sharing her may cause for you. Yet I feel that if I only talk about my loss here, then this blog doesn't even come close to representing my complicated life which is full of horrible pain but also overwhelming happiness at times. Another blogger pointed out that my loss is not too terribly different from the loss of any baby while having to parent another living child, and that mamas who lost their first born singleton baby would eventually be in my shoes when they have their next baby...Grieving a child while raising another. Her comments made me feel much less alone in this community. The twin aspect is secondary, but I do think it makes everything seem heightened because the loss and the gain are simultaneous, the major life changes are all corresponding and make the waters of each other murky. At any rate, I can't deny that I am a mother to a living child, a girl who came into this world the same day we said goodbye to her brother. This blog may be focused on my loss, but from time to time, Evy deserves to be shared as well. I know my life and my grief would be very different if she wasn't here with me. And maybe, just maybe, seeing her smiling face will help to make somebody's day just a little brighter.

So here she is! My baby girl, Evy. (Rhymes with Chevy).

She was tiny when we brought her home, and we were afraid we'd break her. Now she's this little person, and I find myself saying, "Where's my baby?!" because she's growing so fast she makes my head freaking spin. 8 months old, she's now sportin' two emerging teeth and loves to crawl, pull herself up to standing and then freak out because she doesn't know what to do next, make farting noises with her mouth, and other such awesome.


  1. Oh my goodness, Evelyn is beautiful. :)

  2. Evy is just beautiful! Thanks so much for sharing her picture with us all!

    I can totally relate to you right now. I'm 32 weeks pregnant now after loosing a little girl just this past October. It's been soo hard to grieve her loss and be expectantly happy/excited to welcome her little brother. My emotions are all over the place and I end up super confused most of the time.

    Hope ya'll are enjoying a great weekend! xoxox

  3. oh SO delightfully adorable! Thank you so much for sharing! she's perfect.

  4. Evy is so beautiful. Gorgeous eyes. In my real life I have always found baby girls a bit hard, but when it comes to another loss mum, that fades. Thank you so much for sharing her with us. I hope we can see more of her from now on.

  5. You said "Another blogger pointed out that my loss is not too terribly different from the loss of any baby while having to parent another living child"- this is me...I lost my daughter but the life of my 2.5 year old son is full of sunshine, love and wonderment. I think we can be sad and full of love simultaneously. I think we greive so deeply because we love so deeply. Your daughter is a miracle. I am sorry you don't have your son here to. Sometimes I look at my son and imagine what my daughter would look like. they have the same nose, chin and ears. Sometimes looking at him makes me sad for the daughter I lost. I can imagine that would happen even more so with the loss of a twin. I am sad for you, for us. We have to take the love and life where it is...because it helps us with the death and sorrow. Hugs to you and your beautiful baby girl.

  6. Evy (Rhymes with Chevy)- is spectacularly beautiful!! I have a particular weakness for toothless grins...they make my giddy :)

  7. I am so glad you shared. She is STUNNING. And I am not just saying that. I promise. Instantly my BLM head went to the fact that Andrew would be 8 months and therefore STANDING?! Cutting teeth? But at the same time, my son is not your daughter. And you understand baby loss and the struggle. My next child will go through all those milestones, too. I'll be acutely aware that Andrew didn't make it and would never achieve the dreams I had for him. There's always a tinge of bittersweet(ness) that goes along with being a BLM. We deserve joy. And just like you said, you're living joy and sorrow intertwined. I hope I'll be living joy and sorrow intertwined soon, too.

    She's just beautiful.