I can say that in general, I find myself looking forward far more than looking back. However, I need to cultivate a healthy space of remembrance and honoring Elias after completely shielding myself from many things during my ...pregnancy with William (my own and others’ grief primarily). As you all know, I didn’t even formally announce my pregnancy with William. I thrived on privacy, its intimacy and safety. I stand by this pregnancy-after-loss survival tactic fully even though I have been judged for it. Now that William has safely arrived, I am finding my way back to the loss community but am re-examining my level of involvement in it, recognizing that my needs are changing as I strive for integration of this loss as part (but certainly not all) of my identity. This photo challenge has helped me to not only reconnect with this piece of my identity but to also embrace vulnerability, which I was unable to do for nearly a year. It’s healing, but it’s also terrifying. So where am I? Striving for balance. Loving all of my children unconditionally. Trying to embrace something a bit more fluid than compartmentalized. It’s almost impossible to describe. It’s like taking a blurry picture and having parts of it come into focus more clearly than others, having faith that over time you will be able to view the rest of it with a similar degree of clarity and precision, having accepted that patience, reflection, and sincerity is needed to get you there.
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