Friday, December 30, 2011
"Friends"
So even though I'm kind of in a place of nonsharing, I must share this. Staying busy HELPS me with my grief. It DISTRACTS me. It gets me OUT OF MY HEAD, out of my nasty thoughts and emotions, out of my pity party. You know what I've come to notice over the past year? If I want to do something with friends, 90% it is up to ME to get things going, invite people to do something, etc. I have always been THAT person - one who likes to get people together for parties big and little, one who likes to catch up with a friend over lunch. After our loss, I just want to say, WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL OF MY FRIENDS? I feel comfortable saying that here because by and large my "friends" do not know about this blog. But seriously, WTF. Do I have "dead baby plague"? Further, I want to say, on behalf of myself and everyone else who is facing isolation from friends who put little to no effort into the relationship, do people REALLY expect grieving parents to be the ones to put effort into maintaining relationships?!?!? I am not saying that losing a child means you get to just throw your hands up and let everyone else do the work in maintaining a friendship, but seriously, you can NOT expect much from people who are facing the most horrible thing imaginable in their lives. I, us, ALL of us out here, deserve to have friends who step up to the plate and make things happen. We shouldn't have to lose our friends on top of our babies, unless we are being complete jerks and ignoring everyone's calls for months on end and unable to emerge from our hermit-like state. Today I had a coffee date with a friend, one who actually puts effort into seeing me and having a real conversation with me, which was nice. I have a few friends like this, thankfully. But seriously. People know I teach, and they know I am on break for two weeks, and yet I can count on one hand how many people have actually contacted me to make concrete plans to get together. Two coffee dates, one lunch date, and one NYE party invitation. I am grateful for those four people and the effort they put forth. I really am. But there is WAY too much down time around here. (It doesn't help that my husband could care less about having a social life and puts NO effort into inviting people over or getting out of the house.) What really burns my butt is that I have had friends completely disregard my twins' birthday and subsequent party. And I mean, completely. As in they didn't RSVP no (it was regrets only) so we expected them, then they didn't show up, and then they never told me why after the fact. (Please tell me if you think I'm over-reacting!) I find that a really hard pill to swallow, considering anyone who knows me knows how difficult and complicated their birthday would be for me and how much I NEED the support of my friends and family. I know that the world doesn't revolve around me (clearly, and thankfully), and that everyone has their own personal struggles and even tragedies, but that is just ONE TIME the entire year that I think really defines for me who is a friend and who isn't. Even people who weren't included in their birthday party gave me cards, little gifts in memory of Elias, or just a kind word or hug letting me know they're thinking of me during this complicated time of joy and sorrow. I am left feeling a little abandoned and much confused about those who didn't.
You know what's messed up? I'm kinda happy about this post, because it's the first time since my son dying that I've been able to get kinda fired up about something like this. That's progress in a way, right? I mean this is progress compared to, "I don't care what anyone does ever. Nothing matters. My son is dead, end of story." I am actually capable of getting fired up about people being assbags. I know people have their own lives, and I'm happy for that, but if they made little to no effort to be of any support to me this year or ever get me out of this house or out of my head for a while??? Well, let's just say I'm hearing what they are saying loud and clear without their having said a word. Which is pretty much the whole point. Silence speaks volumes, doesn't it?
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I feel your pain. I have had the worst of both worlds. Friends hearing the news of our loss and then never speaking to me again and other not so close friends calling to invite me to go to the movies to "get my mind off things". The latter friend called to "get my mind off things" the day before her funeral. Um...no thank you. The former friend confessed to another friend that she just didn't know what to say so she never said anything. At least I know where she stands. Neither person I have ever spoken to again and that's alright by me. I have pretty much found out who I need in my life and who I don't. I have a MUCH smaller circle of friends in my life but they are the people that I know with out a doubt I can count on 110%.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you!
(On a weird side note, a while back did you mention that you were getting people visit you from a gothsie website?? I have a lot of people coming from there and when I went to check it out it was super odd. Did you ever figure that out?)
Silence does speak volumes. Personally I wouldn't consider those people friends anymore, but that may just be me overreacting.
ReplyDeleteOn a more sane note, I have also learned my lesson from using the Regrets Only RSVP thing. I'll never use that again because it always leaves the question of is that person really coming or not?
AMEN! I know that people don't know what to say to us, so it's just easier to say nothing and not be around us. But if they knew how that felt, they'd truly feel like the assbags you speak of! There is this expectation that it's up to us to let them know, but life is already so exhausting that I don't have much energy for it. See--now you're getting me fired up! :-)
ReplyDeleteHillary - "Gothise" showing up in our stats is basically them trying to get us to visit their site and join / follow them. Seems harmless enough just annoying.
ReplyDeleteThanks again ladies for reading and commenting!!! At the end of the day I do realize it is a BLESSING to know who your true friends are. It's just a painful process to be smack dab in the middle of figuring that out. xo
Fucking "Assbags"! I hear you on the frustration and feelings of abandonment. I wrote about this myself on my blog. It is one of those layers of loss that just seems so unfair. The fallout of grief. Isn't it enough that our child died? why must we suffer loss upon loss? I wish we lived near eachother so we could support eachother beyond our words. Or rather words in person plus tea and or walks. Good for you to get fired up. You deserve to be supported and for people to SHOW UP for you. I am sorry we have been let down. It makes me sad and pisses me off simultaneously.
ReplyDeletePREACH! I've ditched friendships that I have had for over 20 years because they have had reactions that range from non-communicative to down right insulting. Assbags. You are so not alone in feeling this way. (even though it feels that way because you're having to cull your IRL friends).
ReplyDeleteYou really do learn who your true friends are in such a horrible time. You learn who cares
ReplyDeleteIt's really sad that the "dead baby plague" is such a well documented fact for so many of us - doesn't make it suck less though.
ReplyDeleteI spent a lot of time being angry for many, many months about many things, not just friendships. I preferred it to the numb/depressed stages of grief. I tsomehow felt more proactive so I get that it feels good to get mad.
I felt/feel exactly the same way. I, too, blogged about this very same thing some time back and was shocked that someone actually had the nerve to accuse ME of not reaching out and isolating myself. This only served to isolate me even more... Azzhats all of them. This journey sucks and, you are right, we need people to be there along the way. We need people to be patient with us as we try to figure out what we need, which undoubtedly changes from day to day. I am glad to know I am not the only BLM who has experienced this weird phenomenon. Hang in there, your true friends will be standing there with you throughout the entire journey.
ReplyDelete